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[spoil]“Mr. Gibson,” I said as I shook hands with the dashing, young Lethal Weapon star with the piercing blue eyes. “I am thrilled that you’ve chosen me as your publicist. I swear, your image is in good hands, Mr. Gibson.”
“Please, call me Mel. And that’s all great to hear, Daniel,” Mel Gibson said. “I really enjoy what your public relations firm has done, and I think this will be a wonderful relationship. I hope your up for the challenge of making me seem decent to the public.”
“All due respect, Mel, but that’s no challenge at all. You’ve got Leading Man written all over you. You’re a huge star, you’ve done brilliant work already and you’ve got a great career ahead of yourself. You’ve given me the easiest job in the world. Just don’t go saying anything stupid and we won’t have a problem, right?”
“Oh, I won’t. What am I, Irish?”
“Ha- Sorry?”
“Ahhah, alright, I’m needed on set now. Talk to you soon!” He flashed a grin and quickly exited. He knew my name was O’Brien, it was clearly a joke. Nothing to be worried about. I had the successful, talented and devilishly charming Mel Gibson as my client. Like he said, this was the start of a wonderful relationship.
1991
I called up Mel as soon as the December issue of El Pais hit my desk.
DOB: Hey, Mel, it’s me. Quick question: What, uh…the hell?
MEL: Is this about the gay thing?
DOB: It is about the gay thing. You were asked what you thought of homosexuals, and that is what you came up with?
MEL: Hey, I was just talking. Just talking, and pointing at my butt a little bit. Is that a crime? Should I pretend I didn’t say those things? Pretend I didn’t point at my butt and talk about poop in an interview? Really, I’m shocked it’s even gotten this attention, I was just talking.
DOB: Hey, your beliefs are your beliefs, and whether or not I agree with what you think about homosexuality or, in a larger sense, the delicate and beautiful art of anal sex, the fact is, you feel the way you feel. That’s you. It’s not my place to tell you what’s right. But you’ve got to know that you’re a superstar, Mel. Everything you say will be held up and judged by the public, that’s just the awful way entertainment journalism works. You’re the same guy you’ve always been, but your words carry more weight now, so they’ll be held up to more scrutiny, because you influence people.
MEL: So what do I do?
DOB: You’re a young enough guy. For now, I’d say just toss it up to youthful ignorance. If you apologize outright, everyone will know it’s a PR move. You were just speaking your mind, shooting from the hip, as it is your right to do. And you don’t want to hurt any gay people, right? You’re not trying to get rid of them; it’s just not your thing. You were just asked a question and you answered honestly.
MEL: Very ’straight-shooter,’ I like it, sounds good.
DOB: Yes. Stand your ground BUT, be respectful when you do so. Don’t just be a bully about your point of view, it’s a turn off.
MEL: You got it.
1995
Oh, Jesus. Four years after I’d thought we put the whole mess behind us, Mel goes and does a foolish Playboy interview that sets us back.
DOB: Mel? Dan here. How are things?
MEL: Couldn’t be better.
DOB: I’ll disagree.
MEL: Oh?
DOB: Just saw the new Playboy, Mel, and I gotta say this is pretty far from the whole “be respectful” thing we talked about. Remember? When we talked about it?
MEL: I remember some of that conversation. Yikes, my memory’s got more leaks than a Polish submarine. Or, for that matter, a Polish person’s brain. And the thing about their womenfolk is that-
DOB: Whoa! Whoa, no. None of that. Try saying… plenty of things that aren’t that whenever people talk to you about this Playboy thing which, sure as you’re born, they will.
MEL: What do I say?
DOB: Right now? Absolutely nothing. Lay low for a while. In a few years, do some charity work with GLAAD to show that you’re not an intolerant or hateful person. And, in general, just… just don’t talk about homosexuals, really, ever again. You’re just not good at it.
MEL: Got it. So Polish women, though, their vaginas have these feelers that move independent of their-
DOB: Hangin’ up now Mel.
MEL: Yeah.
The man was certainly making me work for my paycheck, but it could have been worse. And to be honest, the scandals weren’t really impacting his box office scores or anything like that. As long as he didn’t do anything else that was too stupid, we would be fine. Smooth sailing for the rest of his and my career.
2006
DOB: Really wish you hadn’t said that, Mel.
MEL: Which part?
DOB: I don’t know, man, pick one. There’s not one second of this whole affair that looks good for you. I mean, what the hell? You blamed Jews for every war, you called a cop ‘Sugar Tits?’ Where is any of this even coming from? I’m trying to support you as your publicist, but man you are not making it easy.
MEL: Easy. That reminds me of a joke about Italians. So these two shitheads walk into a grease factory-
DOB: You know I’m part Italian, right?
MEL: Yeah? Huh. Weird. I guess I just didn’t notice your brightly-colored throat dewlap. Must’ve been hidden in your scales.
DOB: That’s not even racist! You’re bad at being racist! Which is just insane, because that’s all you do. What were you even thinking when they pulled you over?
MEL: I was thinking that you said I can’t say anything about gay people anymore.
DOB:… You’re learning. That’s actually encouraging.
MEL: And that the arresting lady-officer’s tits were sugary.
DOB: Less so.
MEL: Honestly, Dan, what should I do? You’re my publicist, what do the people want from me?
DOB: Okay… Okay, this isn’t… completely unsalvageable. It’s bad, but not as bad as it could be. It just means that you’ll have to do some kind of rehab.
MEL: For what? I’m not the one that’s Jewish.
DOB: Wow, worst thing you’ve said so far. And it doesn’t matter what you go into rehab for. Honestly, the public just needs to see you go in there and come out the other side looking clean and saying “I’m sorry and I’ve learned my lesson.”
MEL: How long should I stay in rehab?
DOB: A few months, enough time to give off the impression that you’ve learned something. And maybe… I mean, it couldn’t hurt to maybe try to actually learn some lessons in there, instead of just going through the motions. I’d say rehab for alcohol and anger issues is a safe bet for you. Just keep your ears open, you never know what you might learn in there.
MEL: Is it true that Italians lay eggs?
DOB: Don’t ever speak again.
I contemplated ending our partnership, but I stopped myself on the belief that, as delusional as he may have been, even Mel must have realized that he’d gone too far. He must’ve known that it was time to shut up for a long, long time. Plus, it wasn’t like he could say anything worse.[/spoil]